Musings

My 2019 in review: the year that was.

December 27, 2019 /

What a bloody bizarre year.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m still standing, smiling and taking all these fabulous pictures because honestly, 2019 has been the worst year of my entire existence. I am very aware that it must not have come across that way especially on the blog because quite frankly, this blog is supposed to my happy place. I have tried not to write about my grief and I almost feel like I’m still in zombie mode. You know, like a stepford wife; just walking, smiling, battling internally. In some ways, I’m actually not pretending to be happy, I am happy-ish. I think so anyway. I hope so.

2019 – Forecast...

You know, 2019 was supposed to be the best year of my life. I still tweeted this a few weeks ago when I received my end of year appraisal and bonus. My feedback was amazing and all I could think of was “this was supposed to be the best year of my life” I had settled into work in 2018 and towards the end of the year, I had been approved for a promotion and transferred into my dream role with my company. I finished that year on a high. 2019 started with holidays planned (and booked) up until July, we had finally made up our minds and even drew up a plan to buy a house, we upgraded our car…look everything was going to be perfect! By February, I started the blog so another lovely milestone in my life.

By July, we had been to Vienna, Bruges, New York, Cappadocia, Istanbul and Budapest. We had gone to Ascot and I saw the Queen upfront lol. I can now tell you that we had booked a 10 day trip across the Balkans (Croatia, Montenegro and Bosnia) for September and another 8 day trip to Costa Rica in November. I tell you again, it was going to be the best year of our lives. So what happened?

Life (or Death) happens...

My mummy and brother, Bobo had excitedly told me they were going to spend the summer with Mr E and I; hence why we had nothing booked from the 2nd week of July to the 1st week of September. It was going to be spent with my favourite girl and my baby brother. Being a planner, I had mapped out our entire itinerary – I booked brunches at my favourite spots so my mummy could try them, I had book marked all the lovely summer food markets to attend. My mummy was going to spend a few weeks with me and then go to New York to visit my older sister.

My mummy and Bobo arrived to London on 27 July 2019.

We had spent the best 2 weeks in London and the next part of her itinerary was to go to Exeter to spend some time with my parents in law; my mama in law was already excited about this and had her own itinerary of all the fun things they would be doing which included a lot of shopping and eating lol. We got to Exeter on the night of Friday 9 August and the following Saturday, we had a family barbecue as we always do every summer in Exeter!

You see, I hate change. I love things to be where they are and just develop quietly. Change destabilises me and I never know how to readjust quick enough. My mummy had a stroke on Sunday morning and it affected her speech, mobility and everything in between. If you know my mummy, you would know that this was the worst thing that could have happened to her. Mr E, my parents in law and I spent the next 2 weeks in the hospital and I will be honest, in my optimistic mind, I was sure things would be fine.

My mummy went to heaven on 27 August 2019. She died.

2 days before my birthday.

This might be the first time I am actually saying it out loud. My mummy died. A part of me died that day and I know that I will never get it back. What happened in the next 5 weeks are still a blur. Thankfully, Mr E and his parents made all the arrangements. Before I could even understand what was happening, we were flying my mummy back home (Nigeria). Mr E, his parents (bless their beautiful hearts) and I flew home, there was a funeral which lasted a whole week and we were back in London. Back to reality. All this while, life was happening and moving on around me.

My world had come to a sudden stop but nobody had stopped with me.

Maybe one day it will make sense. Not today.
My new life...

A lot has changed. For someone who hates change, I have had to adapt to the realisation that there will be a lot of changes in my life in the next 6-12 months. My life will never be the same again. There is a cushion and security that comes with your parents being there, well at least for me, now it’s gone. My daddy passed away in 2013 and I think I was finally on the verge of settling into this change, 6 years later, now, my mum is gone too so you can imagine how off balance I’ve been thrown.

I was not dependent on my parents or anything like that. In fact I have been independent since I moved to the UK in 2009 but the comfort of knowing that no matter what, I had my mummy was always there and to have it taken from me, no parent at all, is awful.

Mr E and I are now guardians to my baby brother. There was no point of him going back to Nigeria and we are currently going through the legal process. IT.IS.LONG. ugh! anyway, Bobo is 12 years old and a joy; Mr E and I have gone from living selfishly lol to raising a pre-teenager. Thank goodness for google – yup, we are currently parenting by google. None of our friends have teenage kids so we are literally winging it haha

I have had my first round of therapy because as much as I appear to be ok, I really am not. I went with one who specialises in grief counselling and she’s really lovely. I feel like I’m a ticking bomb and might explode. Maybe not. Maybe I’m actually ok you know?! Anyway my best friends and boss pushed me to this and I’m grateful; it’s such a refreshing journey. 

As much as this has been therapeutic to write about, I really don’t want pity lol and that is one reason why I decided to keep my Instagram happy. I know that I will never be the same again but I am learning to accept my new normal and figuring out how to work with my new self.

Dealing with Grief...
  • Grief is a constant feeling. It never goes away. I actually learnt this when I lost my daddy. I never got over it; I’ve just learnt how to cope with it. No matter how much you think it will go away, news flash, IT NEVER DOES.
  • Loneliness is a mad ting. I probably have had the best support from my friends especially but I have never felt more alone in my life. I could be in a room full of people but feel so alone, I can’t quite describe it.
  • Love helps. A LOT. I accept it from anyone willing to give. Thankfully, between Mr E and my friends, I have had a lot of love in the last few months to last me a life time lol. Their acts of service have been genuinely beautiful. SO thankful for them. This includes my Instagram and Twitter followers; the kindness I have been shown is something I will never forget about this time in my life. There is a lot of goodness in this world.
  • Journalling is amazing. Another thing my best friends made me do was to get a journal. Oh what that book has seen! I just write and write and write. Bloody amazing!
  • Crying makes me feel quite liberated. A good cry every now and then helps ease the tightness in my chest. These days, it’s almost every day but I’m ok with that as I feel so much better afterwards.
  • Now, people will tell you that they will be there for you and all variations of this sentence but trust me when I say that it is not true. Your job is to remember that this is your grief, it is your own problem and as much as people will sympathise with you, you have to understand that they have their lives too. Don’t expect too much from people because honestly, it is not fair to them.
Going Forward...

I have zero plans.

It is exactly 4 months since I lost my mummy. I don’t know how to feel or what to believe. I know that in the next year or 2, I still won’t be over it so I’m trying not to focus on that anymore. Someone asked on Instagram what the goal for 2020 is and I didn’t even hesitate or think too long. I replied “to live and enjoy living“.

No waiting for my birthday to open the fancy champagne I like, no waiting for bedtime to tell Mr E “I love you“, no saving till I drop whilst forgetting to enjoy spending my money now I’m living, just NO MORE tight planning or waiting of any sort. One thing I will always remember about my mummy is that she LIVED! She lived and enjoyed her life. Every business opportunity she dreamt of, she explored. Every nice thing she wanted, she had. My daddy as well; by the time my daddy was 50, he had travelled and worked around the world (you see where I get my travel bug from!). My parents were educated in the US, Nigeria, Germany and Russia; my daddy to PhD level and my mummy to MBA level. Everything they wanted to do, they did!

SO, I will channel that in 2020 and beyond. I will live more than I have ever lived and enjoy the hell out of living!

For the first time in the last 4 years or so, I have not booked any trip or planned anything whatsoever for the new year and I feel surprisingly liberated lol.

Everything good will come.

Maybe 2020 will be the best year of my life. Happy New Year in advance!

Bisous, ‘Bugo x

Dedicating this post to my Guardian Angels, Adaobi and Ndibe. 
For all they were, are and will ever be in my heart. Till infinity.

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50 Comments

  • Chijioke

    July 18, 2020 at 13:13

    Didn’t realize that you’d a blog. Anyways, I wish you all the strength you need to remain “intact” and the wisdom required for the right parenting.

    And to your parents, “ka fa nodu n’udo.”

    • Bugo

      July 19, 2020 at 13:46

      thank you so much Chijioke. Yes’ I’ve had it for over one year.
      I hope you and your family are well x

  • Salewa Oluwole

    January 10, 2020 at 23:03

    I was really scared to read this post, infact I was running away from reading it. Truly grief is a mad thing, you might be having a great day when a wave or flood hits, you never really know which angle it could come from. The main hack for me has always been to cry, reminisce about the good old days and try to keep it moving, I think I have mastered it over time. I tell myself that I cannot afford to drown… I pray that you heal and that as you seek joy, you will find it in abundance. Even though I know this, I’m reminded by you to be more intentional about living. May God’s love, peace and joy never leave you. Amen

  • Sisi

    January 2, 2020 at 23:19

    Sigh… you are one tough cookie and I admire your strength ! I know 2019 was rough…I echo your hope for 2020. Love you, always.

  • Sisikunmi

    January 2, 2020 at 23:14

    Thank you so much for sharing. Year 2019 wasn’t my best of years as well and in the process, I also found journalling and crying to be therapeutic. Glad to see you’re living life in spite of how things went. ❤️
    In 2020,I’m also committing to add spending more to the list of how I use money – saving and all is good but money is also for spending.

    Cheers to à successful 2020🥂

    Sisikunmi.com

    • Bugo

      January 4, 2020 at 16:54

      Oh yes Sisikunmi. I’m glad you read and left your lovely comment.
      I love saving (got that from my mum as well) but I also learnt the balance. I wish you a lovely 2020; that’s the joy of a new year – renewed hope! Goodluck hun and I hope that by the end of the year, you will have sweet stories to tell x

  • Shauna

    December 31, 2019 at 11:10

    Ugo hun, you are so strong and I pray for your continued strength.
    I will follow your path and live life more full on.
    Thanks for sharing…xoxo

  • Mielle

    December 29, 2019 at 09:48

    my love! I can’t believe how 2019 went, but they say God knows best. I pray one day it will all make sense. I try to remind myself that though you tweet and post happy, that you are dealing with loss. That social media is not always a true reflection. I will continue to work on being present for you even though we are so far apart.
    I support your 2020 plan. I’m type B, so I know the sort of libération that comes from living life as it flows, not regimented. And I pray in the process of fully living your life, you slowly heal. I love you very much!

    • Demi

      December 31, 2019 at 02:57

      I have never been so good with reading blogs but I knew I had this post even though it past 3am in the morning cos I do wonder alot about how you are really faring. Changes and losing people we love is something I have realised is part of Life and we all deal with it in different ways. I pray yes I truly pray that God heals your hurting heart and makes the pain easier to deal with as the days, years roll by. Wish you all the best with Bobo and finally you write so well

    • Bugo

      January 4, 2020 at 16:56

      such a weird year. Oh well, thank you for making it a little lighter for me.
      I’m very grateful for everything. Love you x

  • Ulo

    December 28, 2019 at 13:17

    Sweetheart, I’m grateful for the the strength you’ve been given… stay strong. Your parents are phenomenal. You are too.

    • Obianuju

      December 29, 2019 at 08:01

      This is such an inspiring outpour of triumph over despair. I learnt many things from you Bugo in this write-up and they are, ” it is okay to grieve but it is better to keep living and best to enjoy living”. ” We are strong when we are helpless and our strength comes from the positive energy of loved ones ( dead/living) and from God. 2020 is your best year yet cuz and I am rooting for you all the way. On the flip side you are doing a great job with Bobo. 😘♥️

  • Kirah Harry

    December 28, 2019 at 12:45

    This was beautiful. Thank you. My mom died last year and my blog more or less stopped, I was openly sad online and it was hard to stay happy. I now find joy in things I wouldn’t usually care for and time has definitely helped. The turning of the new year was wierd though, not sure about this one either 🤷🏾‍♀️I pray you have peace and joy as 2020 comes and new opportunities come your way that you would typically share with mom ❤

    • Bugo

      January 4, 2020 at 17:04

      awww bless! It is a lot to be very honest. People grieve differently so I definitely understand. It is crazy but I will say I feel like my previous experience with grief helped me understand what to do this time. When I lost my dad in 2013, i was a complete mess – I was even in hospital for a few weeks so I knew that this time, I had to figure it out a little differently.

      I wish you peace as well; this year and beyond! x

  • Daks

    December 28, 2019 at 02:39

    I love you Bugs, thanking God for your strength, your fortitude, the blessing of your family. Everything good WILL come.

  • Onyeka

    December 28, 2019 at 02:33

    My darling Bugo, jisike! Cheers to live and enjoy living in 2020 that is my plan as well and it comes with so much liberation! Always in my prayers and happy new year in advance. xxx

    • Henrietta

      December 29, 2019 at 08:36

      We never really get over the death of a loved one.. 9 years later and I still can’t talk about my dad without crying. Your mum was the life of the Party and her legacy lives on.. I wish you all the best in the new year and like you rightly said , we should live more and enjoy life anyway we can! Xoxo

      • Bugo

        January 4, 2020 at 16:59

        oh Henrie! It’s such a horrible thing. That’s what is so scary – like I still can’t fathom how dad is no longer here and I think this year was the first year that I did not cry on his anniversary (this is 6 years on) then mum now passes away! It’s like where do I even start from? That’s why I just have to compartmentalise everything if not, I’ll just break.

        I wish you a lovely new year and thank you for reading x

  • Nwady

    December 27, 2019 at 23:14

    This is a really beautiful piece…

    It’s weird but this side of town feels so lonely. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning, other times it feels like life has to go on…there’s a lot happening in my head. Maybe someday I’ll get it all out but for now, I’ll never understand all that happened these past 4 months. I agree with living life and that’s what I will try to do next year… I just need to build up the zeal and willpower.

    • Ada

      December 28, 2019 at 12:39

      It is well!
      Reading this brought tears to my eyes cos I could also relate to what you are feeling as I also lost my dad earlier this year. The pain really never goes away and sometimes I pray/wish I can see him in my dreams.
      Just as you’ve written, I choose to live life to the fullest.
      What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
      Continue being strong Nwabugo❤️

      • Bugo

        January 4, 2020 at 17:07

        I’m so sorry about your loss hun. really sorry! I feel like once you know that the pain will never really go away, you can start to figure out other ways to deal with it. Have a lovely 2020 x

    • Bugo

      January 4, 2020 at 17:16

      I know what you mean but you need to remember to keep swimming.
      I’m with you all the way anyway so I won’t let you dwell. They would want us to keep living for them so that’s what we have to do 🙂

      Enjoy Cabo Verde! Love you x

  • Nneka Obi

    December 27, 2019 at 22:35

    This post really touched me. Ndo! ❤️ You have been through a lot this year. I pray 2020 will be the best year of your life. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt blog post with us. May God bless your home.

  • Morenike

    December 27, 2019 at 22:13

    I wish you all the best in 2020 and beyond bugo. You said you want no pity and that, so there will none of that from me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and i wish for you all the best in life. May your future outshine your past and may all you have left of this difficult time be wonderful memories of your mum which make you smile, not cry, whenever you think of her. You are loved – always.

    • Bugo

      January 4, 2020 at 17:12

      Amen! Thank you so much Morenike.
      Thank you for your lovely message and I wish you a lovely 2020 x